How do I feel about you?

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were not sure about your feelings towards a person who was really dear to you? When you really were not sure, if it was true love or just love on some other basis. Well, I have. And this is my story.

You are special to me, this I know. You came into my life with a reason and this is a thing I have to figure out first. When I am with you I feel happy and you make me feel special and even more confused than I already am. Being apart from you makes me miss you. I have been thinking about you a lot. But what is this connection we share? Is it love? Is it some kind of friendship? Or are we just two souls that met halfway to help each other go further?

We kissed and we shared the passion.

You told me you love me and asked me to be your girl. I said yes. But how did I feel about you? I loved you for sure and I still do. But was it love or did I just care about you? How did you make me feel? There were so many questions in my head and no answer. I was all excited when I heard from you and sad when you did not call. It was confusing. Did you make my heart beat faster? Did I feel butterflies in my stomach?

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Then you left me, saying you were not ready for a relationship. I understood. Later I was broken and angry. I screamed and I cried. I drank and I smoked. I asked myself all the time if you missed me at all. Did you even think of me? Did you really love me? And I was still at the point where I was not sure how I felt about you. I was on an emotional rollercoaster.

I came to the point where I let you go. I could breathe again and, at the same time, I was frightened to lose you forever. After all, we shared some special moments together. But I was strong. I had to stand up for myself. I wished to find love in everything that surrounded me. I wished to learn to love myself again. When I drew the line, I still did not have any idea how I felt about you.

Days were passing by and I was back on my old tracks again. Something was missing. It was not that fun anymore. What was I craving for? I could not stand other people wanting me. What was wrong with me? I just wanted to be me, myself and I, in love with the world and life. I wanted to feel love. But where was it? What have I done to myself? Was I too broken from all the past events and could not feel love anymore? Was I numb?

One day you called me. My heart started beating faster and faster. I did not know what to do. A bittersweet feeling filled my body. I could actually taste it in my mouth. I thought I moved on. I thought you had no effect on me anymore. You made me weak at the knees. I thought I was in love with you. Was I really?

We got back together. It seemed like no time had passed by in between. It was as if we were moving on from where we left off. I was happy. No, not really. I did not know what I was. I knew I was frightened. It was the passion that made us fall for each other every single time. Was there also true love that two people share? Did we feel the love? You said you loved me and missed me. But was it true? Being filled with all those mixed emotions that I kept inside – I could not handle it anymore. I had a breakdown. I am still truly sorry for you to have seen this. I knew you could not handle it. It was too much for you.

You stepped back again. I was too frightened to call you. You did not call either. What happened to us? I was aware of my emotional breakdown. But it was not your fault. It was me, not being true to myself. Long before you came into my life. I was in denial about my feelings. I kept them inside me. I was always afraid to show my vulnerable side. That is why I kept my emotions away from people close to me. I was afraid to feel and to open up. I had to be strong for everybody. I was in denial with my feminine nature. I did not allow myself to feel. But when I was alone, I was full of mixed emotions that I could not ignore. I have learned from that. I grew. Now I know that this was not okay. To show vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.

The more I thought about you, the more confused I got about the feelings I had for you. You made me joyful, crazy and frightened. I liked being by your side. And sometimes you just drove me crazy. Did I love you? Did I even know what love is? Of course I knew, I was in love before, deeply, madly in love, with all my heart and soul. Did I forget how to love? Were you just simply not the one? All I wanted to be clear about were my feeling towards you. If I closed my eyes I could see you, I could hear your voice in my head. Did you need me so much that you held on to me that fast? Or was I the one holding on to you? I did not want to lose you. I wanted you to be a part of my life. But I had to figure out what you mean to me. I loved you, I adored you, I wished you all the best and I still do. We had a true connection. We had chemistry. What does that mean?

The memory of you was slowly fading away. I was not sure if I even missed you. I did not know how I would feel if our ways crossed again. How would I react?

And we met again.

This time I really felt your love. You got more and more attached to me. I knew if I stayed with you, it would be for a long time, maybe forever. This was driving me away from you. I guess I just was not ready for this step yet. I stepped back. I said no to you. Was this really what I wanted? The tables have turned – you wanting me all the way and me wanting away from you.

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Photo: Iva Kjaer Photography

I have come to the conclusion that if you really were my true love, I would not have had any hesitations. I would just put myself into your hands. I always had second thoughts; I let fear lead the way. First, I wish to find love for myself before I can really love anyone else. It means I have to leave you right there where you are and go on. Yes, I have learned a lot from you and I know you have learned a lot from me. And I thank you for that. Now I am letting you go. Maybe we can be good friends one day. Maybe later we can connect on a deeper level. I do not know yet. Let’s just see what life brings.

 

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