The hard-ass truth. With every post I write, I’m thinking to myself that I’ll grow and develop until my next post so I could write how to make a step forward. I then realize, one week is just not enough for me, to go through some of my fears and obstacles. Why?
I guess I’m just not ready to let everything go at once. It’s a long and hard process. I’m asking myself the same questions over and over again: “Am I ready to love again? What is holding me back?” The answer always stays the same, no matter how many times I repeat it – Fear.
It’s not always about making a step forward, it’s also about slipping back a bit, to get more clear view about the situation you’re in.
I hold to tight onto some fears. I feel comfortable in my comfort zone, where I can’t get hurt. I find myself making two steps forward and one step back. Now and then two steps back.
I don’t allow myself to feel.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually a person full of emotions, but when it gets to being intimate, I shut down. I have a fear of intimacy.
I’m obviously still wounded somehow, although it’s two years now since I am not in a serious relationship. Before that, couples life was everything I knew. Nevertheless, I was in two continuous relationships since I was 17. Today, when I look back on my life, I can understand some of my reactions and why I sometimes end up in emotionally stressed situations that could actually turn out just fine. My fear of being left behind and being hurt again is leading me its own messed up way.
Somewhere on my way of life, I’ve learned to build walls. Subconsciously I end some relationships before they even start, just to keep myself safe from a possible rejection, or even possible happy future. I have people entering my life and playing a massive role in it and then disappearing all of the sudden. After a while, they show up again somehow, just like they would play with me. I’m aware that I attract this kind of situations myself, with my actions and my fears.
I get careful. I build walls.
The theory I know. I’m aware of every single theoretical step and lots of the life lessons. It’s my head that prevents me from acting as I’m supposed to.
At times I feel like my life is running in circles and I can’t find a way out. But I trust. I have faith in the Universe, in all those energies that are leading my way of life. The way I trust in life, I have to learn to believe in me. I have to be okay with me.
It might be, that everything will set in its place when I get my “wow” moment. I don’t know. I’m learning. I’m learning to let go. I’m learning to expect the unexpected. I’m learning, how to let my walls fall. Step by step, I’m getting out of my comfort zone. I’ll learn to love again. Until then, I’m waiting for my “wow” moment.
I need a WOW in my life.
I need somebody to say “WOW, you are awesome”
to feel appreciated.
No wait, I am not attention whore…
I need me to be WOW about me,
I want me to be WOW about me,
I AM WOW ABOUT ME!
Just… waiting for it… waiting for the time,
when I will believe those words…
I am attention whore
and I need somebody to be WOW about me.
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